Ooof! Am I ever feeling stressed out!
I spent some time yesterday with my primary and his two lovers - nice people and all, and very different from me. We all share different humor styles, for example. Anyway, we’re walking down the lane and I get the courage to hold my primary’s hand. I’ve been hiding my love from his other partners because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Well, he takes my hand and then later takes hers. I end up feeling shocked and confused. I drop his hand. This all feels too public and too strange.
Later, while out for coffee, I watch his lovers flirt with him, make jokes, he lifts a shirt, he gets touchy feely with them - again, shocked. I’ve seen him act this way in more private settings and feel fine - in public, I feel confused. What is he telling the world? What am I telling the world? (And could I feel more dramatic about “the world”? There were two people in the shop and they probably didn’t notice.)
What this addresses are my boundaries and the insecurities I feel about participating in polyamory. After 10 months, I have experienced the ups and downs and have grown a lot. I’m not personally comfortable showing the public that I’m in an open relationship. I haven’t fully come to terms with it myself.
Later today, I straight up ask my primary “Do you love her?” I figured that he did. I’ve asked him the question a few times and the answer was no. Today, the answer was “Yes.”
Ooof! More anxiety. I wish he had told me sooner - (he didn’t feel comfortable, it was a recent event). What kind of love? Romantic? Friendship?
And to be honest, I knew that he loved her. How could he not? His behavior spelled it out for me and for goodness sakes, I hope that he would. It makes emotional and mental sense to love another partner.
And yet, I still feel so strange, I still feel stressed out about it. He spoke of his love for me, how he had been waiting for me for 11 years, how he fell for me so fast, how he wants a future with me and how he’s working hard for it, how his love for her (and her, and her, and her) doesn’t take away from the love he has for me. (I believe him, even though he thinks I don’t.)
I guess I’m not ready to be so public about it - you know?
That’s all for now…